When Words Fail

What Does One Do When the Grief is Unbearable?

Photo by Sami Matias Breilin on Unsplash

I recently watched a video by Dr. Raquel Martin in which what she said about fear and resilience landed hard in the center of my chest. During my second session with my psychiatrist, he mentioned how resilient I am. This is something my therapist also said. As someone who not only knows trauma quite personally but also knows all the relatives, I am accustomed to fear, pain, anxiety, abandonment, and grief. Or so I thought...

On June 3rd, I was struck by a kind of grief that has shattered me inside and out in a way I did not know was possible.

“Grief is just love with no place to go.” ~Jamie Anderson

Many who know me know that I once had five sons. That was until one of them, for unknown reasons, chose to sever that connection. This left four. Then the younger two grew into their own lives, with wives, kids, and work. All of that was to be expected. What was not expected was the extent of the disconnection that followed. This left me with the first two, who have been my sons for close to forty years. Then the second also decided to stop speaking after I told him something I had always thought he knew about how certain people in his life conspired in the 90s to bully me out of his life. And then on June 3rd, my oldest son died.

As I sat in the hospital room, holding his cold hand and breaking down, my mind and heart could not reconcile themselves with what had happened. I could feel myself resisting, wanting it to be a dream, or, more accurately, a nightmare.

Even during the initial private preview viewing for my daughter-in-law, my son’s mom, and one of his sisters, when we were expected to tell the funeral director whether he looked as we wanted him to, I could distinctly feel a part of me actively resisting what my eyes were telling me. The next day, during the private family viewing, followed by the public viewing and the repast afterward, everything felt like a series of surreal events in which I knew what was going on but did not want it to be. And once all of that was done, I was able to sleep soundly that first night, but not since. I have been keeping my mind occupied by working on future Sunday message PowerPoints, creating and working on art, writing the next book, and anything that gives my mind something to do besides remembering that my son is dead and the others are gone.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ~Vicki Harrison

There is a segment of the New Thought population that bypasses the deep, dark, gritty, and visceral emotions. There are also those who offer comfort by resorting to anthropomorphic concepts of God. I am sharing this to encourage all of us to feel the fullness of whatever we feel.

Sidenote: Ensure that you have the support of a professional if necessary, because the often-stated aphorism that “God does not give us more than we can handle” is incorrect in multiple ways.

God is not giving us anything to handle because God is not an anthropomorphic deity. Zeus gave, Odin gave, and Ra gave humans tests, trials, tasks, and more.

Many people break under the weight, stress, and strain of daily living. We all have a breaking point, which is why it is critical for us to be aware of our emotional intelligence and to have access to effective tools to manage and regulate our minds, bodies, emotions, and spirits. Metaphysical malpractice and metaphysical malfeasance are not the paths to healing.

As I write this, looking at the button and the container that will hold his cremains once he has been cremated, ….

I feel a kaleidoscope of emotions that shifts with every pause, memory, and reflection. The bright, vibrant colors are painfully beautiful in ways that defy description. As I continue my spiritual practices, I feel it all while giving myself the space and grace to simply be where I am and feel what I feel.

Is there something going on in your life that invites you to do the same? Is there someone you love that you have not spoken to in a while? A visit you have been putting off?

Rev. Raymont Anderson, PhD., the spiritual director of The Center for Spiritually Integrated Arts, author of his newest book, Your E.K.G. [Embodied Knowingness of God]: A New Approach to Understanding and Applying the Mental Equivalent

and the previous two:

Moving Mountains: The Journey of Transformation and Visual Music: Interpreting Songs in American Sign Language

Subscribe to his YouTube Channel

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